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Captain Ahab, fantasizing the death of Hisa Takei and Moby Dick alongside his crew mates, Nerd and Tarzan II.

Ahab, explaining to amateur wikia contributers on how to make an article

Cquote1 Ahoy? Oh yeah, I remember when I killed that guy, matey! His skin was nice and comfy. Cquote2
Ahab, explaining one of his kills to a forever mentally scarred Kaori Senoo

Captain Ahab is an insane sailor, mass murderer, and whaler on the S.S. Diarrhea. Ahab has a reputation for being completely out of his mind, and is not afraid to show it (though this is probably because he doesn't know he is showing it, as he is insane). He has killed many people, often in very grotesque ways (see the second quote on this page). Like Johnny C., another mass murderer, police and authorities are unable to find him, as he always slinks away into an unknown place after his crime, and police usually forget about him if he has been in hiding for long enough. Also like Johnny C. is the fact that he doesn't kill people who haven't done anything to him, he only kills people who have been mean to him. The meaner the person has been to him, the more violent death they will get by his hands.

Ahab has a tendency to act psychotic and "sailor like" in public (because he is) but deep inside, Ahab is actually a very smart and knowleadgeable man (Not like this person, who fails to spell "knowleadgeable" correctly). He is known mostly for his abrasive and intense hatred for Moby Dick, and Hisa Takei, one of the stars of the show Saki: The Lovely Show Spying on the Lives of All our Favorite Characters, and has made several failed attempts to assassinate her.

Recently, Ahab murdered yet another victim, Kris Kringle. Ahab escaped once again, but has not been seen for 3 months. His current whereabouts, whatabouts, whoabouts, and howabouts are unkown.

Fone Bone, who has read Moby Dick, Ahab's most famous adventure many times, and is constantly dreaming about being Ishmael his adventures, although in his dreams his brother Phoney is Ahab. The same thing goes when he hallucinates.

Commercial Appearances


Him in a Progressive ad

He appeared in a Progressive commercial where he bought an electric white whale.

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