Boris Takei

Moby Di - I mean - Boris Takei

"Well, we can probably get into Takei's base easi - HOLY CRAP WE HAVE TO FIGHT THAT?!" - Hajime Kunihiro upon seeing Boris for the first time

"Argh, mateys! This be no kitty cat we have to fight!" - Captain Ahab on Boris

"Welp, we're screwed." - Ishmael upon first seeing Boris

"*Licks lips and Revs up chainsaw*" - Jason Voorhees on Boris

"How about a little sport before dying, my dear whale?" - Katz on Boris

Boris Takei was the pet whale of Hisa Takei that was used to guard her underwater fortress. When Captain Ahab's crew first arrived from their epic adventure, Ahab's Great Adventure, just when they were about to reach Takei's underwater fortress, Boris erupted out of the water, and Ahab's crew were forced to fight their way through the great beast. This article will explain in detail of the epic fight that ensued, and how one whale brought forth the demise of a whole crew of 500 men.

The Start of the Duel

Ahab's ship, and the rest of his crew, were approximately 500 meters away from Takei's underwater fortress (as proven by Luigi's tracking device), when suddenly, a large rumbling was heard from underwater. The shocked crew looked on in terror as the sky darkened as a gigantic whale arose from the vast ocean and prepared to reak havoc upon the ship. Ahab barked orders as many of the crew members commented on the whale, and the battle began.

Part 1

Ahab was very strict and specific about his orders, but nonetheless told them quickly, as they didn't have much time before they could've been killed. Hajime, Leatherface, Jason Voorhees, and Freddy Kreuger were all assigned to firing the cannons at the beast. Ahab, Luigi, and Katz prepared the harpoons.

Unfortunately for the crew, the beast was the first to strike. It swung it's tail sideways, severing the mast of the ship and knocking the navigator to his doom.

Ahab cursed and fired the first harpoon, stabbing the whale straight in the bottom jaw. Boris cried out in pain as it's jaw went limp, and was unexpectedly struck by a cannon fired by Freddy Kreuger. The beast fell back into the ocean, and submerged underwater. Ahab and the rest of the crew cheered Freddy Kreuger on, but their victory was short lived.

Part 2

After only a few seconds, they heard another rumbling, and guessed it was another whale. However, Boris arose from the ocean again, blackening the sky once again, and fell onto the bottom half of the ship, severing it and killing many crewmates.

Fortunately, most of the important crew mates were on the top half of the ship, and they had survived. However, Hajime was severely injured, and it was up to Katz to heal her.

Boris descended back into the water, dissapearing for a few minutes. This gave the crew some time to plan out how to win and rest.


While Ahab was busy devising a plan, Katz was patching up Hajime in the captain's nest of the crew. Hajime thanked him alot, but Katz ignored her thanks, as he was too busy with his own thoughts. Thoughts about killing the innocent girl gnawed at his brain, but he fought desperately to ignore them. It was then Katz' dark past was revealed, and when Hajime asks him about it, he explains the details of his awful childhood.

Katz was raised on a barn in a slummy countryside. Katz grew up with little education, and was physically abused by his alchoholic, mentally enstranged father. Katz witnessed his father kill many people, usually with a knife. Katz was truly traumatized, though, when he witnessed his father shooting his mother to death. His father was about to kill Katz, too, but the police had heard the gunshot, and arrested his father before he could commit his sickening crime. Katz was forever mentally scarred, however, and was put in an institution for 20 years straight. When Katz finally got out of the institution, he was 25 years old, and a changed man. For 2 years after getting out of the institution, the only thing Katz could say was "White Walls", referencing the institution's confinement from other people. From then on, Katz became a sadistic and homicidal cat, hell bent on revenge against the world for his horrific past.

Hajime wiped away the tears from his eyes as he finished his story, and she told him that everything was going to be alright, and she offered to be his friend. Katz sobbed uncontrollably, and Hajime hugged the poor crying man, singing him a lullaby as the two crewmates reconciled between eachother.

Meanwhile on the deck, Ahab was severely struggling on finding out a plan. Some crewmembers gave him suggestions, but he shunned them all. Suddenly, a brilliant plan hatched in his head, but before he could put his plan into action, the rumbling was heard from the water once again, and thus, the second round began...

Part 3

Ahab immediately noticed, to his fear, that the rumbling wasn't coming from around them, but this time, it was coming from under them. He ordered his men to search in the glass bottom of the ship, while he tried to map out his plan.

Meanwhile, Hajime and Katz had heard the rumbling, and Katz fought away his tears and got himself together. When the ship rumbled due to Boris once again, it shook them around, and they struggled to keep their balance. Suddenly, a huge fin burst through the bottom of the ship, causing Hajime to scream. Katz screamed at Hajime to run, and the bottom of the ship began to flood with water. Katz grabbed onto Hajime as she hauled him onto the deck, but Katz' arm slipped, and he fell back into the water. Hajime began to mourn him, but suddenly, the fin of Boris churned, and crushed the ladder, sending Hajime plummeting after Katz.

The rest of the crew on the deck felt this, and lost their balance as the bottom of the ship was completely totalled. Luigi was the most unfortunate in terms of damage, as his left arm broke when the force crushed it against the wheel of the ship, pinning him down. Jason Voorhees and Ishmael attempted to get him out, but when Boris crashed into the boat again, Luigi was sent flying backwards, ripping his left arm off, and flying into the sky into a patch of electric clouds, sending him into a darkness oblivion.

Then it all hit the fan.

Part 4

Ahab screamed in mourning for Luigi, as did the rest of the surviving crew. Suddenly, Ahab was interrupted from his mourning, when the crew felt what was left of the ship begin to rise. Water gushed everywhere, raining down on the defenseless crew. As several of the crew members said their farewells to eachother, Ahab called them fools, and said not to give up. He looked down from the deck of the ship, and to his fear, saw the massive tail of Boris erupting out of the water - and lifting up the ship into the sky! The crewmates screamed in terror, and the tail of Boris released the ship hundreds of feet in the air - and it fell back into the water with a gigantic splash.


After the destruction of the ship, all was quiet. The sky had turned blue again, and Boris had retreated back into the base aquariam of Hisa Takei. The debris of the ship floated softly in the water.

Suddenly, a hand burst out of a crack in the ship. Out of it climbed Hajime Kunihiro, who had miracilously survived. She was dazed for a few minutes, but finally remembered - Katz. She screamed her new friend's name, as she stumbled around the debris, but he was nowhere to be found. Finally, when she turned a corner, she saw his body floating facedown next to a piece of the ship. Hajime frantically pulled him out and tried CPR on him, telling him not to die. Hajime began to cry when it looked like when he was truly deceased. However, his eyes slowly opened, and Hajime smiled, and hugged him, who smiled and hugged her back.

Ishmael groaned as he awaked on the other side of the ship. As he stood up, he shouted as he fell off of the small piece of wood he was standing on, and Hajime and Katz turned their heads toward him. Ishmael blushed in embarrasment as he emerged from the water, and swam towards them. After asking eachother if everything was OK, they decided to search for more surviving crew members. However, a large roar interrupted them, and out of a crack in the ship burst Captain Ahab. All three of them smiled as they saw that their captain was well. However, Ahab was in a rage. When he asked them what had happened to the crew, they didn't know, and he began to frantically search for them.

When he finally found some bodies, they were all dead. All of them were scattered around the ship, mutilated horribly. Ahab fell to his knees and screamed to the Heavens, while the others looked on in sadness.

After leaving Ahab alone for awhile in a small den he had made out of wood, the three of them finally decided to check up on him. Ahab, in a mix of sadness and anger, shooed them off, and ranted on about how he couldn't save one whole crew except for three other members. Ahab burst into tears, proving that he did care for his underclassmen.

Ishmael had never seen his captain like this, and patted him on the back, comforting him. Hajime and Katz joined in, and Ahab regained his confidence again, and shouted:

"Let's get out of this stinking sea!"

Aftermath of The Aftermath

Ahab, Ishmael, Hajime, and Katz had all worked together to build a small ship made out of wood, to finally escape the wretched but beautiful sea. They went through many hardships on their journey back home, such as a lack of food, water, and occasional run in with dangerous sea creatures. However, they all survived, and parted ways when they arrived back to America. Katz joined Hajime's mahjong club in Japan, gaining lots of friends in the process, Ishmael went on to found a successful restuarant, and Ahab went back to his gruesome, mysterious life in the suburbs.

Thus ends the epic tale of the mighty battle against Boris Takei, and the demise of 456 crewmates, and the survival of 4 heroes. Tune in for the next episode of The Adventures of Ahab, where we see Ahab fight a giant sphynx. Until then, we salute these heroes.


Everyone hated Boris Takei.

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